Day that darling not around

I think I should start to blog more... especially when darling was not around... so that he can read what had happened when he is not around...

but I seems like prefer to talk about my feelings more than things that happen... i guess that's the reason no one like to read my posts... seems like ppl love to read daily life more than others... anyhow i will just type whatever comes to my mind...

Life is hard, it's not what I always imagine... work as a boss, I have to take care my employees and that's not easy... live as a wife, I have to be caring but not superstitious... money is really a big issue in life... I have to face this... I feel so stress when the financial is not positive... yet I feel like cant do anything... sometimes I felt like giving up this business as I feel that it tied me up... without this business I might be able to earn more... that sounds silly... I know...

luckily there's still sparks of life, like Avryl my sweet heart... though sometimes she did something made me angry, but when looking to her innocence eyes my anger will gone... I guess that's why darling said I always contradict...

New life... new challenge

Boring Monday... darling starts working in new company, without expecting... Well, I expect him to start by tomorrow...

I guess my new life begins... darling's new job required him to travel very often to south Malaysia... I kept struggling before he made the decision... after all, I think I just cant reject the devil's invitation... I'm really not sure am I making the right decision this time to put myself in such situation which no one believes I can handle... from the time we pak tor, it's already seems like I never want him to leave from my side (sight? perhaps...) but now for the sake of making life, I felt that I had no choice and also it's time to challenge my trust to him, as well as his sincerity to me...

I take the challenge, and I actually believe I can handle it well. So just let the time tells the truth!

Relationship? Marriage?

Had been following a thread from forum discussing on whether to end up her marriage with her registered husband. There was quite some prompt feedback from the members. After reading those comments and stories, I had my own opinion too. But just dun wish to reply in the thread, so just share it over my blog.

The girl who started the topic had registered with her husband for 4 years but not staying together. But according to her, her husband did has affair with other girls before they got registered. And there is another girl who left comment that she is having the same prob. Then there are many members commented that men are all same. I'm really wonder if men are that bad, why we still married them? I dun understand why the 2 girls still registered to the men even they knew the man had affair with other girls, more than once. If you think that men will never change the attitude of having affair with other girls, that means you already accepted it, but why still complaining?

I think most of the women are thinking that marriage can change the men they want. Beware, I'm using the word, they want, not they love. I think if you love the man, you wouldn't want to change him. If you're trying to change him, it's just getting a man that you want, a perfect man that meet all your requirements. I agree with one of the member's comment on this. Never thought of changing anyone. You can only change yourself.

Here i quote one of the example given by the forum's member. When we want to plant a flower and want the flower to face a side. Some will try to tied the plant to a side and end up it will usually dead. But some will face the flower to the sun so that the flower will grow towards the sun. Same goes to your relationship. If you want your partner to change, and you tried to force him/her to what you want him/her to be, your relation will only getting worse. But if you show your love (like sun) and when your partner can feel your love, he/she will turn to what you want easily.

Just like what i had mentioned in my previous post about unconditional love, it's really important in a long last relationship and marriage.

Lucky Me

I was trying to find out my 1st birthday photo to compare with Avryl. Flip thru lots of old photos since born, to kindergarden, primary school, secondary and dating photos.

Flip to the back of my baby photos can always see caption written by my mum. I'm such a lucky daughter in a good family with lovely parents and 2 younger brothers. My childhood was full of happiness and adventurous i can say.

Looking at primary school's photos, it was funny with those silly classmate. Although most of them are not contacting anymore, but still i can remembered their names. Lucky me to have See Yeing as my buddy from primary till now.

Secondary time was the most adventurous life i had been till now. Lucky me to meet my best friends Man Yee and Tsing May. Though May is not around Malaysia now, but whenever I feel down will still look for her. And also my bride maid and my girl's god-mum Man Yee, who always be my side when I feel bored. Lucky me that didn't missing at that time, if not today will not writing the blogs here.

Lucky me to meet my first and only boy friend. Our love story not very excited type yet it's not that smooth also. Although he was my first and only bf, unfortunately I'm not his only girl friend. But anyhow we manage to go through all the obstacles until today. We went thru lots up and down in the past 7 years. Lucky me to have a good husband like him now.

The luckiest is the birth of my princess Avryl. To have a healthy baby is really quite based on luck. So I was really glad and thanks god for giving me Avryl. And I very much feel that she is me and my darling's masterpiece. Will work hard to get few more pieces lol

Lucky me!!

Unlucky

I just read a blog by a mum of a one year plus baby girl, TarnTarn. The latest post showed that she was uncured and been asked to stay home to wait for the time to come. At that time, I just felt that's another unlucky case. Then I click to the first post of the blog, it was the day TarnTarn born.

I keep reading from the days she born, mid of Dec 08, wanted to know when and how she found had leukemia. From Dec 08, Jan 09, Feb 09 etc. she looked adorable. A very cute little girl that keep smiling, with a caring family too. Like other babies, she grown day by day, from lying on the bed till roll over, till sitting up, till standing... Until somewhere Aug or Sep 09, swelling was found on few parts of her body. From that onwards, doc announced that she got leukemia and she went thru so many chemo-therapies. But still you can see her smiling face even with the needles on her body everywhere.

My tears cant help when I continue reading it. Until the latest post, which was yesterday, doc told the parents to bring TarnTarn back. No point to make her more suffer with those unhelpful medicines and therapies.

It was really unlucky and sad story. The little baby just celebrated her first birthday on Dec 09, soon she will say bye bye to everyone in her life. It seems really unfair and pity. But what can we do? Besides uncontrollable crying and feeling deep sad, at the same time I felt the toughness of TarnTarn and her parents. They spent their limited time happily instead of complaining.

I dunno how to continue this post. Hopefully there's miracle happens on TarnTarn. God bless!

February 2010

First week of February just past, it's fast that time flies. Avryl is now 10 months and 1 week old. Maybe due to looking at her everyday, so dun feel much changes on her. Her little teeth at the bottom start coming out, but the progress not very fast.

Darling's birthday just past few days ago, dun have a really nice celebration with him, too bad! This few days I start to understand why my love to him is so deep so deep. Because I can feel that he loves me so much too. Besides my parents, I know that no one else will love me like he does. So I love you too, darling!

Chinese New Year coming in another week, hopefully it will be a great one. At the same time, Valentine's Day coming also. Wish to do something for darling on that day, but still have no ideas what should i do or what should i give.

We already signed the S&P for our house, but we not yet pay the down payment :p Wish that we could move to the house asap. So trying to search for all cheap and affordable furniture, electrical appliance and cheap reno as well. Must work really really hard to move to OUR house.

Next will also need to plan for Avryl's 1st year birthday, it's around the corner too.

Definition of Happy

Happy can be defined as delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing (quoted from dictionary.reference.com). For instance, you feel glad to have a good bf or hubby. You feel delighted when someone praise on you. You feel pleased when you got a very good result at school.

Can you be happy everyday? This theory come from my darling. If we are happy everyday, how we define the happy? Everyday is just same feeling, how you know that's happy? Can you understand what's 'up' without understand what's 'down'? If you never feel sad, never have the down feeling, how you know at this moment you are happy? For instance, why you feel pleased when you get a good result? Do you feel pleased when the result was bad? No, you feel sad. That's why when it turns out with good result, you will be happy!

But how come ppl always ask us to be happy everyday? Is happy everyday very important? I dun think so. Cause if you are happy everyday, you wont appreciate what you have. When there's lose, only ppl will appreciate what they have. Same as, when there's unhappy time, only we will treasure the happy moment.

Happiness is uncountable. It can says as unlimited too. But if we rate it from 1 to 10, the first day you got happiness 1, then you need more stimuli to get happiness 2, then the more and more... so until one day you found reaching maximum of happiness, what else left?

I really dun understand what's wrong for having a bad day or sad day. Life will be more interesting with ups and downs. I believe when there's down, only will comes the up.

Love January

I like January... First of all, it's my birthday month. But after gave birth of Avryl, I found that birthday should really celebrate with your mum. What memory do I have on the day I born? It's actually nothing. At least not in the conscious memory. But your mum will have a very impact memory, especially for I am the first child. The experience of giving birth it's really unforgettable. Thanks for my mum's effort!!

Besides it's my birthday month, it's also the beginning of the year. Feel like all the unhappiness will go away, and all good things will be coming. So far, last year was quite a happy year. Let the little unhappiness go away too, then this year will be merrier!! Cherish!!

One more reason is there are many celebrations will be coming after January. Chinese New Year, Valentine's Day, Darling's birthday etc. So it seems like January is the happiest month of the year!

Feeling Weak

Have the symptoms of getting sick from few days ago, but cant get time to take a REAL rest... since Avryl born, I never have a sleep without waking up at night... well, cant blame anyone i know... cause I'm the one who cant let go my worries and wanted to check on her every night...

Now my body is like so weak... feeling not right for everything... I know there are tons of work waiting for me, but just cant make up my mind to work on it... feel like nothing going to be success... feel like where am I going now? It's going to have an ending?? Or it's just never ending story??

See, I'm talking craps which I also dunno what am I talking...

1st week of the year

It's been a busy week, as expected. But just too much to cope. Due to my mum working at my uncle's restaurant now, I have to take care Avryl myself every morning till 3pm. Further more need send my bro to school every afternoon. Then to my music center, the admin has resigned and so I have to do the front desk job as well as teaching.

Avryl has bad habit now. She refuse to sleep at night! She keep sitting up and looking at the door every night. Don't even want to lie down. Once lie her down, she will make noise. If you force her to lie down, then she cried out loudly... So me and darling really tired on getting her to sleep every night. I personally dun want her to sleep late. Even last time, she usually sleep 1030pm or 11pm something, I already felt guilty that I finish work late, so my poor baby has to sleep so late. I know it's not good for her to sleep later than 10pm. In fact, most of the babies of her age sleep much earlier, like 8pm or 9pm.

Now she refuse to sleep, there was one night she slept on 130am. Gosh, there's soooo late, it's bad for even an adult, nevertheless she is just a baby. I surrendered, rather let her sleep in sarong eventhough i strongly disagree to put her in the sarong. But no choice, it's better than let her sleep late which will affect her growth.

Hope I can get a solution for this problem. Really dun want my poor baby to sleep so late.

New Year 2010

It's a brand new year, 2010. Will spend more time blogging this year, as my life is going more exciting with my little princess going to be 1 year old.

Well, the biggest achievement last year of course is the arrival of my Avryl. She is now 9 months old, can crawl little bit but still dun use to it, can stand up by holding furniture or if u borrow her your arm/ shoulder, will shout "MA" when she's frust and want me to carry her, will babbling "PA" when she woke up in the morning, still not teething yet but likes to eat all kind food.

Princess latest photo on trip at Genting Highland on Christmas Day:

Next achievement is still on the way, that's my dream house. Now still in the process of getting all the loan and legal documents to be done. The house itself considered done, status is processing CF now. But i'm not sure how long would it takes to handover. Looking forward on it! Anyway we wont be moving in too soon also, due to financial problem. It's our first house, that's why many things need to buy before move in, eg. sofa, tv, fridge, washing machine and maybe bit reno of the kitchen (though i seldom cook). So most probably will come out a gift list soon lol!!

My new year wishes:

(i) Avryl grows happily and continue gain weight as before (coz recently the chart is slowing down), so she can be chubby and cute always
(ii) my dream house can be handover after CNY and before June 10 (too soon then need to pay maintainence fees even we still not moving in, too late then will delay our moving in plan)
(iii) have an oversea vacation with my darling (Avryl is still young to bring oversea, hopefully she will be good when I'm not around)
(iv) My small music school business can run smoothly, and provide me at least a thousand profit (means i need to payoff all my debt to another partner first)
and lastly,
me and all my family live happily and healthy thru out the year!!

**Happy New Year!!**

Money CAN buy health

We always said money cant buy health. Is that true? I did advised ppl dun just keep working to earn money and neglect your health. Now, I did change my view bit. Money can buy health, to some extent.

Healthy food, is never in cheap price. Most of the cheap foods are not healthy, like fast food which too oily, economic rice which too salty, tin food which too much preservative etc. Home cook is healthy. But that's expensive. To cook a dinner for 2 persons, one soup 2 dishes (healthy menu), will cost at least RM30. Not only the raw materials are expensive, time of cooking also 'expensive'. Estimate cooking time from preparation to done, at least 1 hour. That 1 hour you may meeting with someone that could brought you million business.

Healthy lifestyle for example regular exercise, it's not cheap. Jogging can be expensive now. With the air pollution now, you cant jogging anywhere you like. Even you do, the air that you inhaled may not healthy. So to exercise at a place that healthy, you need to pay. Maybe fitness center, or maybe club house, or your neighborhood garden which you paid for the maintained fees.

When you fall sick, without medical card you wont get be the first one who get treatment. If you dun have money to pay for certain deposit, you cant even get a bed in the hospital.

So health, is actually need money to buy.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love refers to love someone regardless of one's action or belief. Or most ppl will understand it as loving someone without hoping returns. But I dun believe that we can do so much things to show our love to someone but hoping nothing from him. Basic human being, we at least will hope the person love us back like we do. For greedy instinct we even hope to get more than what we gave. So is that mean we never give unconditional love?

I dun think so. We still give unconditional love. We HOPE there will have returns of our love, it doesn't mean MUST have returns. When we keep giving love, but nothing in returns, are we stop giving now? If yes, that's not unconditional love. If no, that's unconditional love.

Example, the most common unconditional love we give is to children. Parents always give their child unconditional love. They always said we dun expect they pay us back. In fact, really they dun want anything in returns? They dun wish their child love them? Then why are the old forks in old forks home so upset and lonely? Of course, we, parents hope our child will love us like we love them, and take care of us when we are old. But does that means if when we know our child wont take care us, we will not love her anymore? We will regret to love her before? Even regret to create her? I wont. So I think that's my unconditional love to my little one.

Another unconditional love, to your lover. Dun tell me you didn't hope anything from your lover after you did so many things to show how much you love him. I hope so much from him. I want him to love me, even more than I love him. I want him to do everything for me, fetch me to wherever I want, buy me whatever I like, listen whatever I want to tell, stay by me all the time... Then I ask myself, if he dun do any of it, will I still love him? Yes, I do. Of course, I'm not stupid that even he treat me badly and dun love me at all, and I still love him like idiot.

So my conclusion for unconditional love is, love someone in hoping for reasonable returns and will continue loving even you dun get what you want.

Yesterday, I saw him sleeping so tired. I'm wondering when he is stressed and tired, he needs sleep more or love? I guess physically he needs sleep, rest. But mentally he will still need love. So I will continue to love him even he cant talk to me when I wish he could.

Back to track!

Was too busy on the previous month, now almost everything back to track. Baby getting more mature, I got more sleeping hour than the previous months, so I looked more like a human than a vampire de.

Well, I will get some time to update what had been happening this few months. Just to let everyone know, I am back!! My baby is so adorable now, will upload her photo as well. Anyway, she got her own blog also, lilprincess.kidmondo.com, avryl.totspot.com

But you need to sign up to view details of her growth.

10 more days to go

I was so bored during these confinement month. So I shifted to my mum's place on Wednesday, also because mother-in-law will be busy on giving tuition. At here, my mum helped me take care baby more. But darling not coming here everyday.

Yesterday darling did came and stay for 1 night. I went out with darling to buy 'tong sui' at night. From the day baby was born, seems like never have time to talk with darling. Even we chat also all about baby. Darling was too tired to talk with me most of the time, sometimes he rather watch tv. But I knew he needs some entertainment too. Finally yesterday we did chat more than baby's stuff in car while going to Cheras buy 'tong sui'. I felt happier and more relax now, not that depress any more.

Well, there's still 10 more days to go. I will try my best to stay positive and take good care of baby. Baby is growing bigger day by day. She looks more cute now, less like daddy also lol. Baby's blog @ lilprincess.kidmondo.com

1st April 2009

Baby was finally born healthy and safe on 1st April 2009. Ya, it's much earlier than estimate due date. She is a naughty girl who choose to come on April Fool. Well, this will be a long blog i guess... Let's start with the 30th night.

As usual I was teaching on Tuesday night with darling. After teach we had our supper at SS2 since I'm craving for kiwi-lou for quite some time. While having my kiwi-lou, i felt bit backache. Darling thought I was tired so we finish our 'lou' in short time and get back home. While in the car, I suddenly felt there's continuous pain on one side of my tummy. I told darling but both of us just dun aware of the sign. I did some household before goin to bed, but I felt like the tummy was getting hard few times for a short while. I told darling, your daughter wont be so naughty playing April Fool with me guar... We suspected something but not quite sure. So I time the 'harden' feeling, but it only occurs once in 10 minutes like that. I was so tired that time, so I told darling let's sleep. Even if there's contraction also no need to admit hospital too early. I really not sure was that contraction, cause I only felt the harden feeling but no pain at all.

In the mid night, I woke up to toilet as usual. I felt that harden feeling again, and it seems like getting more frequent. So I stay awake to time the 'feeling' for half an hour. The 'feeling' came every 3-4 minutes and last for about 1 minute. So I guess there's the contraction. I decided to take a shower and go to the hospital. At that time was about 4.30am. I told darling to get ready. After shower and took all things that we prepared early, we went to hospital on 5am.

Once reach the delivery room, the nurse put me on CTG to check baby's heart beats and contractions. After checking for about 30mins, confirm my contraction is regular then the nurse check that the cervix was dilated 3cm. Then all the procedures started. Darling need to do admission for me, I need to change the hospital gown, nurse calling doc n etc. Darling told the nurse that I dun want epidural. So I was given a normal pain killer jab. Then I was asked to drip for inducing since the cervix was already dilated 3cm. It will made the process faster but it will be more painful. After consulting my mum, and with darling's support, I put on the drip. After that, all I need to do was just wait. Darling was there with me. He was reading his novel but I keep talking with him. He was patient listening and answering me all the time. Everything goes well with baby heart beats and contractions all normal. Most importantly, I dun really felt pain. Just slight stomach cramps like period pain.

Waiting was quite tiring. Around 10am like that, I felt so sleepy. I try to take a nap since I dunno still need to wait how long. Actually doc said after drip longest also 6 hours only, it means latest 1pm will deliver. But after taking nap, the nurse found that my contraction was getting low. She checked the cervic again, it was dilated 5cm only. Well, that's not good news to me, seems like going to wait very long. Though the nurse said contraction was getting low but I actually felt more pain. That was around 1130am.

The nurse and midvive will come check me every half an hour. Around 12pm they came and keep looking on the CTG result, I saw that baby's heart beat was dropping everytime my contraction came. I was so worried and panic. But the midwife said it's sign that baby coming soon. They check the cervic again but it still 5cm dilated only. I was getting more and more pain. I told them and they ask me whether feeling to push, I said yes. Then one of them call doc and the other one check the cervic again. She said she cant find the cervic most porperly fully dilated. The pain came and I start acted unconsciously.

Doc came in a short while and examine the cervix then confirmed that I can deliver now. The environment became so excited at the moment. Midwives were busy getting ready all equipment, doc also getting ready himself by putting on his gown. I was in pain. Darling was still beside me to give support and telling me to breath in and out. Then doc asked me to listen to his instruction. When I felt the urge to push I told doc. Then doc asked me to push and he will assist me to get baby out. I can saw doc was using the forcep to get the baby out. I just pushed few seconds then baby was out.

Darling told me it's over, baby came out de. Then I heard she cried loudly. Midwife placed her on my chest after doc cut off her cord. Just a while, then baby was removed from me to clean up by the midwife just beside me. I was given another injection to help removed the placenta. After that, doc try to clean those 'blood' in my tummy. I was forced to have episiotomy (cause I dun want it if possible) due to tears. It was really painful, very very pain. Nurse and darling try to distract my concentration by placing baby on my chest again. I can saw she was clean and no more crying. But I really felt the pain downstairs. It's unbearable for me. I hold baby's leg so tight. Midwife faster removed her away and gave me the gas to reduce pain.

I breath in lots n lots of the gas as it's really so so so pain. I can feel the sewing movement. I became blur after breathed in so much so the gas. The process last so long, so I guess I had tear badly (till now I still not sure how bad was it, coz I dun dare to check it). Finally everything done, I was cleanned up by the nurse. I need to stay at the delivery room for 1 hour in case any bleeding. Baby and darling were there with me. I was holding the little one. She's so tiny. But she looks smart with big eyes keep turning around. Midwife told me to breastfeed her asap, so I tried it. She took some time to latch on my nipple, but soon she got it then she start sucking. She's really smart. After a while, baby need to be sent to the nursery for other checking. Then left me alone, coz darling need to follow up some procedures and parents-in-law were there.

Well, I was not very tired at the moment, so I made the birth announcement by sending sms to my friends and relatives. Nurse came and told me baby weights 2.4kg. She was born on 12.43pm. I got few immediate replied from friends and relatives to congrat for my safely delivered. There were also friends that do not believe on my sms and thought it was April Fool joke. I was busy replying all msg and wishes. Till 2.30pm only they transfered me to the wad. Unfortunately there was no more single room, so I was forced to take the double room.

There are few visitors on that day. 1st was darling's auntie, then came my mum. My mum stay ed with me for few hours and nurse did bring baby to our room too. Baby's face got a red mark which caused by the forcep. According to nurse, it will disappear soon. But we just felt pity that baby was hurt =( Darling went for lunch and back home to rest for a while when my mum was with me.

After mum gone, I was busy on arranging ppl to take care the music school. Though very tired at the moment, but I knew darling must be tired too. So dun wish to disturb him. Unfortunately no one free to give help. End up I need to wake darling up to go pass key for another teacher, Eunice. Luckily Eunice was so helpful. She will close the school for us after everyone teach. Since she staying at Kota Kemuning with his husband, so it's quite convenient to her.

Then Eva came to visit me too. After that was my uncle family, then my parents bring my little bro along after his school. Then father-in-law bring my dinner, ginger fried rice for me. Darling was back at that time too. Around 7.30pm more friends coming, ManYee and her bf Yau, Chi Jee, Lim Kang and Kian Kee. Baby was with all the guests at the moment. She was sleeping tightly. Everyone agreed her nose like his father, some said lips like me. However, overall is like her father. Haha... So i told my friends, if you want your baby looks like you must look more on mirror. Cause I look too much on my darling.

My parents were last left at 11pm like that. Darling went back home to get my charger for me and came back at 1130pm. Due to double room, he cant be there with me. So I have to sleep alone that night. It was really a long night.

Here, I would really thanks to my darling, for keeping me accompanient most of the time. I know he was so tired too. But I can see his happiness from his eyes when he was looking at our little precious princess. I love my baby, but I felt more love to my darling. Without him we wont have this little cute girl. Everytime I saw our girl, I will think of darling. I know he is working hard to take care me, baby and his job to provide us more stable finance. Once again, thanks dear and I love you so much!

Happy Birthday to Charmaine

To my dearest Charmaine,

Happy 1st Birthday to you. So sad that we cant be together after you born and we cant celebrate birthday with you. But I know you are happy in your world. You will have your friends to celebrate and play with you all the time. You will be laughing happily all the time. I can see that.

Now I'm having your little sister, but you will still always in my heart. You are always one of our family member, we wont forget you. I will tell your little sister about you when she grows up one day. We will all be missing you.

Although we cant celebrate all your birthday with you, but does not means we have forgotten you. Wish you be happy all the time, and I love you!

Learning process

Life is actually a learning process... I guess everyone agrees with it... From the day we were born, we learn to sit, talk, walk, n etc... Some ppl thought they had learn enough when they get older, of course many knows that learning process wont stop...

In marriage life, much things need to learn also... We learn to live with each other, learn to tolerant, learn to take care each other, learn to love, learn to be patience, learn to forgive, learn to trust, learn to respect... But it seems like the one who actually really keen to learn was always the woman... I'm not sure it's my subjective point of view or it's actually quite true...

To prove my view not that subjective, here's the example... See, there's plenty of books on how to be a 'successful woman behind a successful man', books that teach women how to cope with family and husband n etc. But there are so little books that talk about marriage or family to MEN! Even there are a few, but men never look for that... Well, maybe some men dun like to read... But when men face prob in work, they will find solutions, maybe from colleagues or from internet... However, did you ever heard that your man online find solution for your relationship or marriage?? They will rather play online game, I bet...

In my marriage, my man wanted to learn many things... I see that as a good thing... but soon I find out that to manage the relationship is never the thing he wants to learn... He wont admit, or maybe he also dunno... As a wife, I really think I'm learning to be better... From doing housework to cooking dishes, it's all new to me and I'm keen to learn... See, cooking, women will buy cooking books to learn cook, but men will buy motor trader to see his dream car... I read a book said that to a man, relationship is like he bought a fridge home. After 'set up' the fridge then it can be use for years and years without having to worry about maintaining or cleaning it.

Many man will think that his VERY IMPORTANT role in the relationship is to provide financial support. Well, money is always important that cannot be denied. But is that the main stem of the relationship?? I'm not very sure, however, one thing I'm sure is without money the relationship most probably can still survive, without love the relationship will sure collapse.

Anyway, love is really powerful. I really dun wish to admit this, but I know this few years ago before I married him, that he got the key of my life. In others' view, I seems like always bully him and he seems all under my control. In fact, both of us know it's actually not. No matter how I mad of him, end up I will still forgive him for no reason (I really really dunno why). Haha, movie always showed that the wife kicks her husband out of the room. Well, I'm not sure how many women can actually sleep well after doing that... but for sure I'm not the one! I just kick him to another room with bed, not living room with sofa, but the whole night I was worrying whether there's blanket in the room... I felt miserable failure for cant being hard hearted!

Aih, I guess there's so much more for me to learn... but it's really sad when he said that I never respect his life... Well, I dunno what I did and deserved that... I know that respect each other is very important in relationship. But I never did that... so I'm kinda lost now... dunno what else I can do... I guess this is a part of the learning process... a part of life...

Changing...

Had a weird dream this morning... After woke up, I feel life's changing. I know I had been married for more than a year, and now little baby is growing in my tummy. But now only I felt the changes of life.

From the day I was born, there's so much loves and cares around me. When I was in primary school age, I often cried in the night thinking one day if my parents pass away, how sad it will be... not because I will be alone, I know I still have my bros, friends and others... but the feeling was really really scared and upset... Parents, they are the person who grow me up from little baby to an adult... The feeling of losing them was really terrible even it not yet happen.

Until the day of my secondary school, I think less on that issue, perhaps there are too much attraction in life that made me neglect that issue for quite some times... In that few years, I don't like to stay at home, always looking for something exciting out there... I fall in and out in love... When I felt sad and lonely, home is still the place I hide myself. At the time, I know there's still loves and cares around me even when I don't want to stay at home.

On the day of my marriage, I know I had to leave the home. Many ppl told me a marriage is 2 persons leave your origin family and build another family of your own. I agreed on that and I thought all the while I'm doing this year, was building my own family. But this morning woke up, I realized that I was wrong. I never left my home or family nor building my own 'home'. Marriage still didn't takes place in my life. Although I spent most of my time with my hubby and I told everyone he is my husband. But it just not the right feeling of husband, not until this morning.

The feeling of transform is, now I understand the one who going to spend my lifetime with me will be my husband. My family, my parents, they couldn't be with me for the whole life. It sounds very funny, I know... this should be very obvious in life! But I'm not sure is everyone 'understand' this fact or just 'know' the fact... All the while I'm thinking was if my marriage didn't turn up successfully, I will still have my parents. The feeling was like when you still having puppy love with your bf. Yup, sure you will feel upset after breaking up but it just an ending of a small chapter in your life. It's different in marriage, husband is not bf anymore. We both committed to stay with each other for the rest of life. Rest of the life, if I can live up to 80 years, means I will be with my husband for 3/4 of my life. It's no more a small chapter in life!

Wow, it sound like I'm regretting of my commitment. No! It's made me more confirm and more sure that I want to commit in this marriage. This doesn't mean my parents and bros not important anymore. I know they are still there for me with loves and cares. But now I understand my parents committed in their marriage, so they will spend their lifetime together... even if one day they pass away, I shouldn't be too sad because they have their life together happily. My bros will grow up one day, they will need to committed in their life also. So all of us living in our own life, but are all connected to each other...

Oh what am I talking?? Maybe you don't understand what I mean, maybe I myself also don't know what I want to mean... but life is wonderful, with new thoughts and feelings everyday!

Final relief!!

This morning went to SunMed again for appointment with the OB-GYN. This time i went alone as darling said too many days holiday so today might be busy... Yesterday my legs were so pain and swollen, luckily this morning woke up much better de...

Well after waiting for 45 mins (which was much faster than usual if i meet doc jason), i went into the doc's room... the first impression i had on this dr noor anni was not too bad, due to the deco of her room... it's quite comfortable, unlike others that i went before... it's like a feeling of home more than a clinic. She gave me a professional feel, although this was the 1st visit but she read thru all my profile n history... she gave a scan on my tummy, baby was very active on that time, keep moving... everything was fine... i'm suppose 23 weeks now, but baby looks like a 6 months baby according to doc. Doc said my fever didn't affect the baby, since the fluid still plenty... but my legs were still in pain... doc explained it as normal after fever, but cannot take any pain killer during pregnancy so only can apply some sort of gel to reduce the pain and swelling...

Thanks god! Baby is healthy and everything goes well... I will take care myself more and try not to fall sick anymore... it's really tiring and scaring!